Stop Making Your Poor Friends Feel Like Shit
So according to the government, politicians, economist and every other wanker-in-the-know, the country’s back on the up and London’s thriving again. Sounds good right? Well, go down any job centre and you’ll see un/shit-hour employment’s still a massive problem, which is a massive problem for FRIENDSHIPS.
That’s right, whilst you might be flying high with your 22-hour contract at Asda, I bet there’s still a whole lot of your friends with zero $$$ sitting on the dole or doing 4-hours a week. Chances are the wealth disparity is making you be a massive dick towards them and it’s driving a wedge into something that used to be so beautiful.
It’s time you started considering your poor friends. Here is some shit you and everybody else need to cut out to make their dealing with poverty more bearable:
I’m not sure at what point somebody decided that alcohol served any purpose other than to get you drunk. But there they stand. At every bar, at every house party, insisting everyone in earshot have a sip, peacocking that bottle of micro-brewed and/or imported exspenso-shite.
Sound familiar? Well you’re not a connoisseur, you’re a cock. Not just that, you’re making your poor friends feel real bad about the drinks they’ve been minesweeping and glasses of Frosty Jacks they’ve been pouring themselves under the table all night. It’s time you re-evaluated your life and made it less awkward for everyone by getting back on the Fosters.
So you’re still dressing for style rather than comfort? That’s great, but try sitting around on your arse watching Jeremy Kyle with an inbox full of “Thanks for the application, sorry we’re unable to give you feedback” rejection emails and then see how stylish you feel. Forget what smart-casual used to mean, now it’s all about job centre chic: trackies on the bottom and a shirt on top
So help make it more socially acceptable (i.e. bouncers start letting people in wearing it) by dressing smart-cas like your poor friends do. With all the grunge fetishism at the moment it’s bound to become cool. Have you not watched Nirvana Unplugged? One of the saddest things about Kurt’s death is he never discovered joggers before he kicked it, they’d have definitely been his bag.
You might have some great memories of Leeds Fest 2008, but it’s 2014 now, the festival thing is well and truly over. The commercialisation of the music industry and festivals is a bad thing, agreed? So stop shelling out £100+ to see bands who were past it 20 years ago and insisting everyone do the same. You might think it’s more acceptable because you’re off to the “smaller independent ones”, but it’s not.
Instead, listen to the tunes on your iPod and have that “life changing festival LSD experience” you’re craving so badly down the local park. Sure, the story it might not sound as impressive when you’re talking to that acid-virgin in the smoking area, but at least this way you can sketch out and piss rainbows with your poor friends too.
The only thing more annoying than people who Instagram pictures of what they’re eating, is having that conversation where somebody bitches about the people went to school with who, you know “are so annoying on Facebook cos they like, take pictures of their food on Instagram and pictures of their…. urrr I dunno they’ve, like, got a kid now, total single-parent harharhar.” Honestly? Shut the fuck up. And stop using people you don’t know on your newsfeed to feel better about your own shitty life.
That said, the conversation does raise one interesting point. Why does anybody put themselves in the position to take those Instagram restaurant food pictures anymore? Eating out is way overpriced and there’s always something wrong with the food.
So next time you rope your poor friends into a Pizza Express where they pretend they’ve “already eaten” or “they’re not hungry” whilst you guzzle that shit down like a pig at the troth, consider maybe they can’t afford it. Instead why not invite them round, they’ll probably be grateful for a meal other than Supernoodles or frozen pizza.
It must be great for you driving your car, but unless you live out in the sticks- in some dipshit village where everyone knows everyone- chances are you don’t actually need to drive one. You’re fucking up the environment and until you’re riding in something other than a clapped-out coupe there’s no street-cred to it. All you’re doing is making your poor friends feel bad about themselves.
Sure, £4 for a day rider is a rip off, but think of the peasant wagon as a way you get to hang out with your existing poor friends (or make new ones). Why not integrate yourself further by dodging the fare and hiding in the toilet? Just don’t be that cunt who puts their bag on the seat next to them, it’s inconsiderate.