The Six Types of Hangover You’ll Experience
1. The ‘if I move, I will vomit’ hangover
Everyone has had one of those nights that have started with an innocent bottle of wine for pre-drinks, but too many crisps and dip have left you feeling more sober than you wish. Enter generous friend with a random spirit mixer combination, happy to help you on your merry way to drunkenness. Either that or they are just trying desperately to get rid of this poorly measured concoction. Feeling slightly more wavey (or probably very at this point) you move on to a club where you spend the night drinking Jägerbombs, Sambuca, tequila; let’s face it, you are happy to accept anything at this point. End the evening with a lovely kebab – or cheesy chips and beans, for the veggies amongst us – and you have quite a party going on in that stomach of yours. Waking up the following morning, chances are this lovely mixture is still swimming about inside your belly and it doesn’t feel good. One wrong move and you will be re-welcoming all that undigested food to the world, not to mention dealing with the pungent taste of Sambuca that will be burning your throat and dribbling out of your nose.
We are constantly being warned that mixing drinks is a bad idea, and yes it is. Putting to one side the health dangers, all this mixing can lead to being confined to lying on your back for the entire next day, with a slightly dirty sick bowl next to your bed – just in case you are lured into a false sense of security of recovery, and then over you roll. At least you’re closer to the sick bowl at this point.
2. The ‘my head is going to explode’ hangover
Not necessarily the product of a night in which you consume any and every beverage in the room, therefore your stomach is somewhat safe. However, if you decided to risk that bottle of red wine in the hope you had grown out of it giving yourself the world’s worst headache, you probably regret that now. It seems a lot of people have that one drink that will undoubtedly leave them reaching for the painkillers and litres of water the next day. If you like the taste of this drink that obviously doesn’t like you, then you know full well what you are getting yourself into, thus no sympathy for that head pain. However, it you decide to treat yourself to a fancy new drink, only to realize the next day you may as well have put your head in a wasp’s nest, then you have had a nightmare – please learn from your mistakes. This hangover will leave you feeling unable to concentrate on anything, and even light pollution from your phone screen is painful.
3. The ‘I am full of regret’ hangover
This is more of an emotional hangover than one of physical pain. Maybe you have woken up in an unfamiliar room, with an unfamiliar person next to you, not quite sure of your current location. Cue that sinking feeling of maybe having awkward morning sex, and an even more awkward conversation about who they are, where you are and how you are going to get home. Unless this person is a catch, and in that case, goodbye hangover of regret, have a lovely day of internally telling yourself you are never going to drink again.
The hangover of regret doesn’t just consist of the sexual kind of regret though; waking up to realize your phone, purse and shoes are nowhere to be seen is also a pretty terrible feeling. Retrace your steps if you can or pray a more responsible friend is in possession of your valued items. Maybe you will get them back, maybe you won’t. Let’s face it, you’ll probably lose it all again the next time you go out.
4. The ‘I’m not actually hungover but I will claim I am to excuse being so unproductive’ hangover
I feel this is more common amongst those of us who are still living the student lifestyle, therefore don’t actually have to get up and go to a lecture if just the thought of it proves too much of a struggle. This kind of hangover is one in which you wake up, and for some reason, you feel ok. Tired, a bit groggy, but ok. However, this does not mean you are leaping out of bed, ready to hit the gym and the library all before midday. It’s more of a placebo hangover. You’ve been out, therefore, despite the lack of physical pain or need to throw up your wishy-washy stomach contents, you lie in bed, wallowing in the hangover that never quite was. These hangovers often consist of eating every carb you own, which tends to be the only thing you are willing to leave your bed for. However, when asked upon entering the kitchen for the third time in two hours if you’re going to do anything productive, “I’m hungover” is the easy excuse. Let’s face it though, you are fine. You’re just lazy.
5. The ‘sneaks up and hits you later in the day’ hangover
This is maybe the worst kind of hangover. If you have to spend all day in bed in one position at the risk of throwing up, you are at least aware of this within the first few minutes of waking up, and can begin to accept that this is your fate for the foreseeable future. However, if you wake up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, only to be hit by the mother of all hangovers at 4pm, you did something bad last night and it’s only just catching up with you. You were probably quite proud about your hangover-less state, but you’re definitely not bragging now, huddled in the corner, with your grey, sweaty face and the shakes. Hangovers like these are far more likely to hit when at work or in the library, as opposed to when you’ve decided you’re allowed to be in bed all day (see hangover #4).
6. The ‘I’m a jammy git and I don’t have a hangover’ non-hangover
I have no words for you people, except I hate you. But also, how do you do it?