Romantic Films for Non-Romantics
With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, TV stations everywhere will be airing everyone’s favourite romantic film. We can all expect to see Love Actually, Pride & Prejudice, and The Notebook. And for those who cringe at the thought of sitting through one of these (“What? How long is this movie? Are you kidding me?”) and believe the term heartmelting is a painful way to defeat your enemies, here are films you might actually enjoy!
The Skeleton Key
This horror film involves two body switching hoodoo practitioners in the deep Louisiana swamps outside of New Orleans. Although the film focuses on Caroline (Kate Hudson) and her fight to save her life, the whole premise of the film revolves around the fact that this hoodoo priest and this hoodoo priestess want to spend the rest of eternity together. Sure it involves tricking a young nurse into working for you, chasing her around the swamps with a gun, and trying to exchange her young body for your old one, but all in the name of love, right? Right?
The movie that effectively freaked out every husband around the world but also, somehow, kind of, sort of, maybe was romantic. Nick (Ben Affleck) was a cheating, lying bastard and Amy (Rosamund Pike) was a sociopathic, murdering nutjob, while Desi (Neil Patrick Harris) was a weird, whispering stalker who for one moment really regretted purchasing that box cutter. Even after Amy puts Nick through hell and frames him for her murder (making other evil geniuses look like total amateurs), he decides to stay with her and start a family. Because that’s obviously the only outcome that makes total sense.
Stephen King surprises Nicholas Sparks with this uber-romantic installation about an author’s remote cabin getaway with his devoted fan. Watch as Annie (Kathy Bates) painstakingly nurtures Paul (James Caan) back to health after a freak car accident… and then, break his ankles all over again- with a sledge hammer- only because she wants to spend more time with him, and we all know quality time is so important! Plus, a romantic movie is nothing without pet names. You’ll love Annie’s “Dirty Bird” and Paul’s,”You sick, twisted f*ck!” Oh, Paul. You have such a way with words!
Dracula (Christopher Lee) is a handsome bachelor who can really pull off a cape, with the complexion of a corpse and the canines of a…well…canine. He woos his women by hypnotizing them, so that he can do the one thing that’s always on every man’s mind- pierce the woman’s jugular and suck all her blood. Forget the arrows through the heart, cupid, you’re going to need a wooden stake for this gorgeous, undead son of a bitch! I’m not even kidding. Find a stake or fly for your life.
50 Shades Of Grey
Wait, wait, wait. This movie is meant to be romantic? No. Oh God, no! I’m hanging up my hat. I can’t…