Relationship Diary: The Cheating And Cheated
Let me put this out there before I begin: cheating is abhorrent. I am a big believer in communication and truth, no matter how much it hurts. It is definitely better to sort out your emotions with your partner and, if needed, part ways before moving on to the next one. I think I can say this without feeling like I am passing judgment because I have both cheated and been cheated on and I can safely say that both incidents were absolutely awful experiences.
The first and the last time I cheated on someone was with my then partner of two years. In hindsight, everything was heightened in that relationship; there was so much passion, anger and naivety. I was stark raving mad about him. We would do the long distance things three months out of the year as I come from South East Asia, and that was where most of the (admittedly at the time, very little) tension between us came from.
For the sake of honesty I confess that I do not remember much of what actually happened when I cheated. I know it was only a fleeting kiss with a stranger in a club after what was probably five vodka shots. The emotions I felt after though, will probably haunt me for a very long time. After the giddiness subsided I started to panic, and in my drunken state I called for a cab, dragged my sister into it and started going into a state of shock. I rang my boyfriend straight away and, as expected, he exploded. 6,000 miles away and I could still tangibly feel the hurt and rage he was projecting. I had never felt more ashamed or guilty in my entire life. It may have just been a kiss, but it planted so many seeds of doubt about where our relationship was going, that it ended up disintegrating just six months later.
In retrospect, I believe I did all I could to salvage it. My only piece of advice I can give in regards to this is that “actions speak louder than words”. I worked extremely hard to win him back, knowing that saying ‘sorry’ over and over again means squat. I signed up for Go Sober for October to raise money for charity and show him that I was serious in cleaning up my act and rebuild trust. I didn’t go to a single club night for a full term.
Ultimately, cheating means something. And you’re a dick if you do it. Sometimes you just cannot redeem yourself from that kind of betrayal.
I have been cheated on multiple times. But the worst, most cutting incident was when my first love – my first everything – slept with another girl a week after, well, my first everything. I simply do not recall ever crying that much over anything. Like a fool I took him back and stayed with him for an entire year afterwards. We broke up because he wasn’t the right person for me rather than because of this incident, but the realisation that the person you thought would never hurt you in fact has the capacity to do so in the worst way is a pretty sobering thought.
Even so, I refuse to become cynical. Love who you want in the best of your ability. There is never justification for cheating, and if you do cheat/if you are cheated on, love is simply no longer there.
I’m not sure how many people are particularly proud of their love lives, past and present. With the exception of those in truly fruitful, fulfilled relationships, I think we all hold regrets. I for one hold no pride in partaking in two counts of cheating, hence the anonymity.
Although I have always been as loyal as a dog and faithful as a nun to partners of the past, as they have fortunately been with me, I unfortunately became the third wheel in an already occupied relationship – twice.
The first encounter was one for which I still hold deep regret; selfishly most of this regret lies in the fact that the person who cheated for me is still in a relationship with his girlfriend who has no blemish of a clue or idea about his on goings with me. I regret that he stayed. As such, they live out their fairytale relationship despite his lusty mistakes, while I am left feeling like the subject of Lana Del Rey’s The Other Woman. Not great. I developed raw emotions for him that were forcibly and unwillingly put to one side, unable to grow through no decision of my own – somewhat against my will. He, on the other hand, was only after a cheap adrenaline rush and saw me as something different rather than something better.
Being that counterpart to infidelity is, through one’s own actions, pretty painful. Except with this situation you only have yourself and the cheater to blame. I cannot imagine the hurt of the innocent party, who had this malice acted out on them, also against their will. From this then, I should have learnt my lesson. Instead, I had come away from a situation with someone who I had strong feelings for with anguish, but I also came away scot-free. So, the process unfolded again, except this time with someone who I had not one shred of emotion for. Although every man and woman has a choice and consensual right, I can honestly say that I have never felt more pressured into (wrongly) making this choice as I did at the time.
Fortunately, his true colours showed and his other half, although incredibly hurt, was awakened to his hurting capabilities, and hopefully prevented from weeks, months and years more of unfaithfulness. His ex and I had a lengthy conversation after she found messages on his phone – messages that were harassing me to say ‘yes’ for a weekend visit. I got some backbone and did the right thing in saying ‘no’ this time around, though. He, desperate and pathetic, had not tidied up his trail of cheating, however. Thus, he left the gate open for his lies to finally be uncovered.
On speaking to the girlfriend of said playboy, it was obvious just how devastated she was to have seen a few simple messages. At the time I was clueless to the fact that those messages were all she knew about. Thus, I confessed the whole story from start to finish. She hadn’t suspected or expected to hear that drawn out tale when I called her to explain myself, but had to hear it. As for her other half, he continued to lie – even in knowing that I had told all. In fact, I was told that he pushed the level of disrespect to a new level in actually insulting me to protect himself from his girlfriend. “Of course, it was all a mistake. She’s not even attractive. It wasn’t good” – hence why you tried to come running back for more, mate. Abysmal.
For her own reasons, the girlfriend whom was cheated on never blamed me and has only ever been kind and understanding to my situation. Arguably, this was what made me finally learn the lesson as the guilt doubled, trebled, and quadrupled with every text she sent my way. We’re still in contact, and she is still in a relationship with her boyfriend, but admits that she’s in constant paranoia and turmoil over his lusty behaviour. It’s all very peculiar!
Nicole Scherzinger figured out the cheating situation in her first Pussycat Dolls song whereby it is said: “If it ain’t love then it just ain’t enough to leave a happy home.” If you are lusting after someone while in a relationship, then you need to face the solid truth that something has gone amiss. Do not pursue the urges; work through the issues. However, if you are head over heels for another, completely besotted, perhaps even in love, feel free to leave your partner and carry on with your love life. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be a lot less hard than cheating.