EMC’s Ultimate Guide to Talking Dirty
Ah, dirty talk. Sounds simple enough in theory: really, really isn’t in reality. No matter how long you might have been knockin’ boots, it’s most likely still going to be a whole load of awkwardness, embarrassment and anxiety the first time you try it.
‘What if I sound stupid?’, ‘I don’t feel comfortable saying that’ and ‘What if (s)he gets upset?’ are just some of the commonly recurring worries that present themselves when starting to explore the world of racy bedroom language. Luckily, there are a few tried-and-tested things you can do to ensure that both parties enjoy themselves and have a fun, sexy, and mutually respectful ride (ahem).
1) Talk it out before the bedroom
If ever there was something less sexy than bad dirty talk, it’s planned dirty talk. Right?
Wrong. The importance of discussing things BEFORE you get between the sheets cannot be overstated. You need to find out each others limitations and preferences now to minimise any chance of a nasty surprise (and a serious libido killer) later on. The sheer awkwardness of the thought of this task understandably might tempt you to skip this part – don’t. Take it slowly: start with adjectives first – ‘hard’, ‘deep’ and ‘thick’ are just a few of the more popular ones – and then, if both parties feel comfortable with what’s been agreed, move on to exploring different names and nouns for each other. Hey, this in itself might be too far – you might feel comfortable just using adjectives, and completely skip out the name part. The most important to remember: each person has completely different tastes, and these are to be respected and accepted without judgement – for example, somebody may enjoy being called a ‘bitch’ in bed, but can’t get on board with ‘slut’, or vice versa.
2) Be yourself
If you really, really don’t feel comfortable using certain words, then, quite simply, don’t. Most people feel a little embarrassed using racy language in front of others to start with. That’s to be expected, and should fade away at least a little as you both become more comfortable with each other. But, on the other side of things, if calling your man a ‘stud’ on request stirs up some strong feelings of discomfort and makes you feel like you’re compromising yourself, don’t feel under pressure to perform. If it’s something that you just can’t move past – and you’re totally within your rights not to – gently explain this to your partner. If they’re a nice person, they’ll understand and respect your views.
3) Expect some embarrassment
Hey, it’s not going to come straight away (lol). We’ll say it again – hardly anybody is a pro at dirty talk the first time around. Don’t expect to sound like a bona fide porn star straight away: like nearly anything else, practice makes perfect. Try to keep in mind that dirty talk is meant to be fun. So keep it light – if you blurt something out and it sounds silly to both of you, have a little laugh together (but never laugh AT your partner – they’re in a vulnerable, trusting place with you, and laughing at their awful attempts to turn you on is a sure fire way of killing the mood and hurting their feelings too).
4) Understand that dirty talk is not an attack on feminism
This is a biggie. Talking dirty, or being talked to in a dirty way, is NOT an inherently anti-feminist act. If anything, it can be a way to reclaim your sex life. Instead of words like ‘bitch’ and ‘whore’ being used by men to degrade females, they’re being offered by females as a device to turn them on.
5) Don’t be afraid to change your mind
You might have thought you would’ve liked being called a certain thing, but when the time comes, something just doesn’t sit right with you. And that’s totally fine. You need to let your other half know, and ideally, as soon as possible after it happens – but remember to tread gently. Be sure to let them know that it’s in no way what they did. Something like ‘Hey, I know I said before that I think I’d like it if you said ‘_____’ to me, but actually, I don’t think it’s really for me. Thank you so much for being willing to try it out with me though’ is an ideal response – it both minimises the risk of offence and will makes them feel valued by you.
When the time comes for pillow talk – talk. Again, treading softly is best – ‘What kind of things did you like?’, ‘Is there any way that I can do better?’ and ‘Is there anything that you didn’t really like?’ are all questions that give way to open-ended answers, and are a great way of gauging your partners feelings – and ensuring that next time is even more fun for the both of you.
What do you think about using racy language in the bedroom? Let us know in the comments below.