5 Top Tips If Trump wins the Election
You may not have heard, but there’s an election if America next week. Hell, of course you’ve heard, how can you not have? It’s impossible to avoid. Even the Mars Rover has heard, but mainly because it’s worried about losing its funding.
In the good old fashioned style of American politics, the campaigning has been going on for about 18 months, and no one knows what policies either candidate is running on. I know Trump wants to build a wall, and Clinton wants to fight Wall Street while continuing to take money from them, but that’s about it. Policies? Bah, who needs ‘em. Just stick to deeply unnecessary and irrelevant personal attacks, as is tradition.
And as is tradition, there are of course only 2 potential winners. Democracy in action folks – drink it in. On the one hand we have Hilary Clinton, Democrat (though what that means these days who knows), wife to former President Bill, saying what she thinks people want to hear and believing none of it. On the other, we have Donald Trump, Republican (apparently), a tycoon who built himself up from nothing (with the help of a small loan of $1m from his father), all-round racist and misogynist. Polls currently put Hilary ahead, but barely, so it’s all still to play for. I’ve decided to give 5 handy tips to prepare for a scenario where Trump wins.
1. Have a plan
It’s always best to be prepared, no matter what you’re doing. Be it going camping with friends, or living in a world run by an evil megalomaniac, you should always have a plan. In this case, I advise you to know your best exit routes, to have a first aid kit to hand, and to know where you plan to shelter should the need arise. Which leads us to…
2. Build a shelter
I remember my dad buying a house years ago, and upon viewing it finding a bomb shelter in the garden. I thought it was very cool – being too young to understand the horror behind it – but now, looking back, I think it’s essential. You should take time to buy and install, or build yourself, a working bomb-proof shelter. Preferably one that’s nuclear bomb proof too. Make sure it’s sturdy, and can be locked from the inside. You don’t want any pesky looters breaking in and eating the flesh of your loved ones.
3. Stock up on canned goods
You’re going to want to make sure you have plenty of non-perishable food. In all likelihood, soon after Trump is elected there’ll be no sun, only large dense ash clouds. The air will be thick with radiation, and the soil – well – soiled. Nothing will be able to grow and no animals will be able to live in the toxic atmosphere, so make sure you have enough food to last a while. Up to 2 years, and more if you can manage it, is best.
4. Arm yourself
I’m usually hugely against guns – they’re made for killing, so not really that great in my book. However, in this case I’m doing a complete 180. As I said before, your shelter should be secure, but in the event that someone does get in, you’re going to want to take them down. Your canned goods are worth more than any money you once had, so if people know you have them, you’ll be a target. A couple of hand guns, and a large high power assault rifle should do the trick. Just make sure you have plenty of ammo.
5. Get a good quality battery powered radio
And make sure you have plenty of batteries! You’ll want the kind of radio that can pick up on military and emergency frequencies. When the bombs inevitably start to fly, at best you’ll get a 4 minute warning – you won’t have time to check what’s going on as you shepherd your loved ones into your fully stocked shelter. But once you’re in there it’ll be important to know. Make sure you’re always tuned in to find out what’s happening, take advice from what’s left of the government and be aware of any safe zones, if they exist. Most likely they won’t. Society will have fractured and the world will be populated by roving gangs of flesh eating semi-human monsters, but it’s good to know either way.
So there you have it, my top tips for a Trump world. An additional quick tip for you, if you’re so inclined – find God. If he, she, or it does in fact exist, they might be the only hope we have. I myself don’t believe a God exists; I believe we get what we deserve. If this is the case, then we’ve all been very, very naughty, and we can only hope – and it hurts to say this, but desperate times – we have another Clinton in the White House. Good luck to us all! And Americans, please vote. Please. We’re counting on you.